Saturday Porn Slot: A brief return

I've mostly given up on this feature going any further, but there are still a few men (and possibly women) worthy of my attention in the genre.

This week, it's a man I've been kidding myself about for a long time. I've always known he was hot, but for some reason have never admitted it to myself. Until this week, when I was checking Machine Head's marchives page...

Rob Flynn is super hot!

He might always wear the same t-shirt and maybe he does sometimes act like a bit of a douche. And perhaps his band do release some terrible, terrible music, but you know what? I can't think of anyone who has a more awesome voice than Rob Flynn. I fucking LOVE his voice. It's the voice of rage. He can't seem to sing and not sound pissed off or at least about to kill himself. Or possibly whinging about the parents. Whatever. It's AMAZING.

In fact, even when he was going through his I'm-going-to-dress-like-Tommy-Lee-when-he-was-dressing-like-a-wigger phase, he's still pretty cute ^______^ (In a I-really-wish-you-weren't-wearing-that-shiny-jacket sort of way)

And look:

Aww :) He was in a credible band at one time you know ;D

All that aside, I love Machine Head, I don't care what J or anyone else says. They're playing Brixton Academy next week and I am gonna be there singing VERY LOUDLY. And hopefully, quite drunk :D

Saturday Porn Slot

After...not very many weeks at all of this feature, I'll admit that it's getting harder and harder to fill. I guess it's like my friend P said: if people can play and they're really hot, they just join the regular music industry and make a shitload of cash. Metal is often the music for outsiders, for the ones that never fit in - not the beautful people.

However there's hope for us all yet. I still have a few hotties up my sleeve...

This one's another that's hot and can play. True, he's in a shit band now, but the Sepultura that recorded Arise fucking ruled. And I'm not alone in thinking Andreas Rudolph Kisser not only has a hilarious name, but is hot:

The ladies just can't keep away.

Look at him go!

He's my very favourite beardy Brazilian (ha!) and was mighty fine back in the day.

Also, props to him for playing in this band:

Had Gary Holt stayed with the band...I dunno, I don't think you can get better than Jason Newsted, Gary Holt and Andreas Kisser being in one band!!!

Now to be fair, in their time, Sepultura was a pretty hot group overall...

...but when you think about what Max and Igor have somehow turned into...you'll see why it's Andreas that gets this spot today:

There are no words.

Saturday Porn Slot

This one's a bit of a no-brainer:

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one that would be happy to stare at pictures of ChthoniC's bassist Doris Yeh allllll day.

We're going to see them play at the Garage on the 31st...I hope she looks as good in real life. From what Google Images can tell me - oh yes, she is:

I think she does FHM Asia and a couple others; she did a shoot for Revolver a while back too. It's not difficult to see why she'd be in demand. I'm no lesbian, but that is one fucking hot chick.

Saturday Porn Slot

Continuing the sludgy theme from last week (check out the spiky metal view on things too) today's manzuri material is my favourite, pretty, sorta weird, grubby, kinda crazy looking guy:

It's from Acid Bath that I know him, but Dax Riggs has been improving the overall looks of many a band since the early 90's.

The upside of this particular celebrity crush is that not only is he really fucking easy on the eye, he's made one of my favourite albums! So often it's a case of "nice face - shame about the band", which means Riggs a super rare delight.

Saturday Porn Slot

I've decided to give the honour (if you can call it that) for being the first girl to grace this hallowed hall of hotness to not only one of the best looking people in metal, but one of the coolest.

Liz Buckingham!

She used to play with the (nearly) all-girl sludge band 13, Sourvein and is currently guitarist for Electric Wizard.


To be honest, I don't know anything much more about her, but in my ridiculously shallow Saturday mindset, that doesn't matter. In the words of Bret Michaels: this is one smokin' hot chick.

Saturday Porn Slot

There's only a couple hours left for this Saturday, but my time has been occupied with far more exciting things today. Boat trips, catching up with relatives, eating too much and best of all: Romans! Iron fucking Maiden.

So for this week's slot I'm letting Rammstein do all the work for me. They've taken a leaf out of the R&B guide to music videos - even if people don't like the song, they'll still be watching for the tits and ass. Well, the title says it all. Pussy.

Saturday Porn Slot

First of all, let's get this straight - things I do not find attractive in guys:

1. New Rocks
2. Bad hairlines
3. Corpsepaint
4. New Rocks
5. Did I mention New Rocks?

So on that note, it's unusual that I think Tomasz Wróblewski ("Orion") from Behemoth is really fucking hot.

Even with the stage gear he still looks hot as hell:

Look at him go! Fuck you Nergal, I have no idea why girls bang on about you so much. Behemoth might be your band, but since 2003 it's been all about your bassist*.

*I know he's in other bands

Saturday Porn Slot

Hot damn!

Now I'm not a massive fan of Guns N' Roses, in fact: I'm not really a fan at all. They never seemed to be a pin-up band either. I always knew Axl Rose had been purportedly hot in his heyday, but I'm only 24 and I know him as the ginger guy with the cornrows that got pissed off at Download 2006.

So I didn't pay them a second thought. Until I saw this picture:

If I had a time machine, I would so get naked with that man.

I'm not a fan of the whole top hat thing, but even here, you wouldn't say no:

J says Slash looks like a mutant. So I tell you now: certain members of the X-Men are also incredibly hot. I am down with that.

Saturday Porn Slot

I've been listening to Finntroll for many a year now and it's only been recently that I actually saw a picture of them. For some reason, I never bothered to look before, I kinda figured they'd look like all those other folky pagany metal bands - beardy, hairy, slightly overweight and probably wearing furs/hemp tunics (see fig. A).

(Fig. A)

How wrong I was.

His name is Vreth and I've never heard him sing (I only have Finntroll's older records) however, I don't really care. I'd be quite happy if this guy just stood there with his shirt off, reading the phonebook for half an hour:

Isn't he pretty?!

I have now totally reconsidered going to see them at the Underworld. J, if you're reading this, get tickets!!! Get them now!

Saturday Porn Slot

Okay, so I know it's not Saturday. But Sunday is close and I was at work yesterday, so there's my excuse. I'm working next Saturday too, but I'll try and schedule something. Plus it'll be a bank holiday weekend - that's always messy in my experience.

Anyways, for our weekly fix of fuck fodder, I am proud to present to you...

Tony Foresta of Municipal Waste!!

:D

Aww he seems so happy and cute! And sometimes, when a guy isn't that hot, but he seems really happy and he can sing words really fast...it makes up for what he's lost in looks.

He seems such a cheery, jolly little man - even in real life, he's unbelievably cute.

And so...I urge you to go see them. Quickly, before their new album comes out and somehow ruins everything by being either like their other albums or completely different. Either the way this new album has huge potential to mess everything up in my incredibly prejudiced mind. So yeah, go see them. Ladies, you never even know...you might get lucky ;D

Saturday Porn Slot

In an effort to extend my current mental list of "hot guys in metal", some crafty googling was in order. Sadly, the results were as bad as the regular "hottest chicks" shit. The guys weren't that hot and the bands they were in were a lot worse. Sounding like a wanker is a massive turn off.

Sounding rubbish isn't something that turns me off this guy though! I know a lot of people like Darkthrone and many of them will disagree with me, but the vocals are HORRIBLE. The face, however, is quite the picture.

Just ignore Fenriz in some of these. If anything, he just emphasizes how hot Mr. Skjellum is. In this picture, I like to imagine they're seranading me.

He now works as a teacher in Norway! I wish they'd had this guy at my school.

He also has two daughters (all this, according to wiki). Imagine if this guy was your friend's dad! I'd be round their house allll the time.

Okay, one last picture. I just can't resist!

Metal, especially black metal, is pretty fucking sparse when it comes to a handsome face. Even when you've uncovered some candy, they cover it right back up again with paint! Life just isn't fair.

UPDATE: (Sunday 16th August, 21:28) If, like me, you just can't get enough of the Ted - there's a neat gallery here. Also - that is one hardcore Darkthrone fan.